Daddy's Joke of the Day (wonderfully accurate)

Planning for the college football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.

Women’s Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference, false start, blitz, i.e.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America .

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Herschel Walker, Bo Jackson, & Peyton Manning

Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.

SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, make a large financial contribution, and put name on a waiting list for tickets.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:

Photo: USA Today.

NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting `Game Day Live’ to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why ‘Game Day Live’ is never Broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band… who comes over during breaks and asks for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask ‘Where’s the stadium?’ When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day it is the state’s third largest city.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH : Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team’s mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air after the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: ‘Nice play.’
SOUTH: ‘Dammit, you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs.’
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: ‘My, this certainly is a violent sport. ‘
SOUTH: ‘Dammit, you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs.’

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week’s game.

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Daddy's Joke of the Day (wonderfully accurate)

  1. Hilarious, while I’ve never actually been to a division I college football game (I live right between Syracuse and Buffalo and neither team is worth the trip) I’ve definitely gotten this impression from watching them on tv. Keep up the great posts.

  2. Josh:
    “Attend SEC Football Game” should be right up there on your “List of Things To Do Before I Die” between nekked skydiving and “enter a greased pig contest”.
    πŸ™‚
    A.

  3. North: Can chew the tailgating food because they have teeth.
    South: Tobacco spit dribbling down their chin, can’t chew their food, no teeth.

  4. This one for u Steve (yankee fuck).

    North: Get pissy when southern teams beats their ass.
    South: Invites northern fans to come eat and drink with them while southern team beats their ass.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s