Into the Abyss I Go

Dear Readers:

This morning we had a minor sock crisis at our house.

Diva, who has been using her socks as Barbie doll attire, no longer has a single matching pair. Although she denies separating and playing with the socks, a quick investigation revealed six Barbies, three Bratz girls and one Hannah Montana all decked out in the fancy Gymboree footies.

I attempted to avert the crisis by borrowing a pair of Smartypants socks. These socks, however, were unacceptable because they’re boy socks.

Apparently, if your socks are not cute, girly and color coordinated with your sparkle hairbow, this is a direct violation of the kindergarten cool girl code. If you violate this code, no one will be your friend or share a snack with you. Who knew?

Consequently, Diva attended school sockless.

Unfortunately, according to my mother, allowing a child out of the house without socks in March (while it is raining) is a parenting sin. In fact, if there were a parenting Bible, “Thou Shalt Wear Socks in March” would be right underneath, “Thou Shalt Not Run with Scissors.”

(I did not tell my mother that after depositing a massive quantity of toothpaste spit on her pants: Diva also ended up wearing capris to school. In my defense, I must say she wore her favoritest long sleeved Old Navy shirt, which is two sizes too large and therefore resembles a dress. So, it all balanced out in the end.)

Nevertheless, I decided to clean out Diva’s closet and look for the socks.

Upon entering the closet, I discovered a bag of half eaten jelly beans, three pieces of candy from Christmas, several pieces of jewelry, which belong to me, and many items the dog was accused of ingesting and/or may have actually ingested.

I also found the missing DVD remote, the spare car keys, a princess slipper (the match to which I’ve already tossed in the garbage) and the lids to my Tupperware, which I didn’t notice were missing because I rarely use it.

I’ve been in the closet for the last four hours now, making odd discoveries and frequently saying “Oh My God!”

Don’t worry. I assure you, dear friends of the internet, any substance, which I cannot immediately identify will be sent for testing – as I suspect some of this stuff might be alive, was formerly alive, came from another planet, could possibly cure cancer or be used as an agent of biological warfare.

Furthermore, as I want to avoid Mommy Hell (where, I suspect, there’s no fire and brimstone but lots of children with snotty noses and dirty diapers, all of whom laugh like Sponge Bob, sing Best of Both Worlds incessantly and wear tap shoes whilst Satan dances around chanting, “They ‘ve missed their nap”) I’ve decided to move onto Smartypants’ closet.

So, blogging may be light for the next day or so…

Wish me luck.


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