New Business Plan Blooms from Southern Roots

Yesterday, Don’s blog had the latest info on Popcorn Sutton.

Shucks, most everybody around here knows or has heard of Popcorn, but in case you’re new to the area: Popcorn is a self-acclaimed expert on moonshinin’. He has participated in several festivals throughout the region as a demonstrator and even authored a book on the subject (Me and My Likker.)

I read the book several years ago, and as I recall, it was… interesting and the pages were numbered correctly.

I’ll also say if you’ve never met Popcorn, you ain’t missing much. He is one contrary ol’ man. He’s also not very good at what he does.

Sure, he makes an awesomely smooth batch of shine (so I heard) but he tends to get caught regularly. He was busted last year when a still exploded on his property and caught everything on fire. He was busted again this year when the feds raided his property, seizing three stills with 1,000-gallon capacities, hundreds of gallons of moonshine-making ingredients such as mash, more than 850 gallons of finished product, guns and ammunition.  I assume the feds had reasonable cause to suspect Popcorn of adding fire to water because… well, he’s boastful about his craft.

While I’m not terribly interested in running shine for a living (Shine is a flammable liquid, and after the last incident we had here at the house, I promised my family I would not play with flammable liquids or power tools anymore.) I was reading an article a few days ago about Sam Bolt.

Bolt got into a load of trouble for manufacturing vegetable oil fuel. He was using the fuel in his grease car and selling it to others. He said he produced about 5,600 gallons of fuel over three months. This, of course, is considered illegal manufacturing of [untaxed] fuel with intent for resale. As a result, Bolt has some `splaining to do to the State of VA, the IRS, the DMV, the US… and a whole bunch of other letters.

So, I started thinking…

Whereas the American people are dependent on a rapidly dwindling resource: they face a growing need for alternative fuels and have an understandable aversion to those alternatives, which would require them to wear a helmet or those god-awful spandex shorts…

Whereas Southerners have a long history of moonshining (yes, breaking tax laws and opposing the government is something we’re inherently prone to do – even if we’re not always good at it.)…

Whereas we all likely grew up watching movies, such as Moonshine Wars, Soggy Bottom USA and Smokey and the Bandit..

I think we’re qualified to become as veggie oilers. I realize this doesn’t sound as cool as moonshiners – but if this is an emerging market, we could all get rich, uphold southern tradition and be “down for a cause” all at the same time.   Of course, we’d need an American Muscle car to convert to grease. It should be big, loud, and fast enough to outrun the revenuer man. Someone may have to get a mullet just to make things seem authentic. Also, chances are our theme song would suck. I mean, it’s veggie oil. There’s no way to make that rawk.

Oh, and since this was all my idea, I hereby declare that no one shall be permitted to wear Daisy Dukes at any time.

Now, all we need is someone who actually knows how to filter the oil… so who’s with me?

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One thought on “New Business Plan Blooms from Southern Roots

  1. It’s obscene the way the feds are arresting people who convert their cars to run vegetable oil and then recycle vegetable oil, which would have to be dumped in a landfill otherwise.

    I also think they should leave Sutton alone. It’s his private business if he wants to make liquor. The only reasonable crime would be selling liquor that was poisonous, but that’s why you always know the person who made it or you don’t drink it. One problem in the old days was incompetent shiners would use lead solder in the still. This is not a problem anymore and modern shine is perfectly safe. Another problem was with criminal elements mixing with wood grain alcohol, methanol, which is poisonous. Distributing methanol as liquor should get you the death penalty, not some bogus tax charge. Manufacturing and selling cigarettes that contain arsenic and cyanide (which they do) should also be a death penalty crime. But making well made corn whisky? Should have blue ribbons at the state fair and promote it as an industry.

    Did you know that during the first years of the Depression, the number of jobs in the liquor store industry grew by 385%? It was the largest growth industry in the early 1930s by far. With our glorious leader’s new depression upon us now and the dollar collapsing, the smart money is on those who prepare themselves to enter careers in this growth industry.

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