From the Onion: LOGAN, UT—According to an alarming new study published Monday in the American Journal Of Sociology, the vast majority of Americans are critically discussed after leaving a room occupied by two or more additional people.
The groundbreaking research contradicts decades of previous inquiries into the area, including dozens of informal surveys in which respondents adamantly denied ever having talked behind others’ backs.
“Our findings will come as a great shock to the millions of Americans who have assumed people do not speak derisively about them as soon as they are out of earshot,” said Dr. Edward Phillips, a professor of sociology at Utah State University and lead author of the study. “This phenomenon affects nearly everyone. If you have ever feared that people whom you considered to be good friends were mercilessly mocking and insulting you shortly after you left their presence, your fears are almost certainly 100 percent correct.”
Wasn’t this a bit of unnecessary research? Hmph! Any Southern woman could have verified the existence of rampant backbiting years ago, especially those like Marcella and Helen. They’re real catty b!tches.