Before bedtime, Ms. Diva picked her toys up and straightened her room. Mr. Smartypants put away his laundry and vacuumed the floor. Ms. Diva announced her room was cleanest. Mr. Smartypants disagreed, claiming his room was perfect.
Ms. Diva declared I loved her the best. Mr. Smartypants argued that this was “idiot thinking.” He explained I would love him the best because he had lived here the longest.
Ms. Diva said his mouth was too sassy for anyone to love – and his feet stank. Mr. Smartypants growled and threw a lightweight pillow at her, grazing her knee. She slid down the wall, flopped in the floor, rolled twice and pretended to swoon for second before she started wailing:
“He punched me hard.. ly!”
“I barely touched her!” Mr. Smartypants refuted the charges, then demanded: “Mom tell her you love me most. You have had me the longest and I rake leaves!”
So he did… in 2003.
“Well, it’s true I have had you longer. You were non-refundable though,” I answered.
Ms. Diva looked rather smug, “So, you like me the bestest, don’t you? On account of because I’m newer and cute. Everybody says so!”
“Well, you are very cute, but the truth is we got you on clearance.”
“Mom! Be Serious!” Mr. Smartypants demanded, “Pick who is the best person in the whole family, who is nice, doesn’t yell at you, cleans up their stuff and minds better than all others.”
“Nicest, neatest and most obedient? Who never snaps at me?”
“Yep, tell her it’s me.” He said.
“No, dipface, it’s me!”
“Are we talking about in the whole family?”
Mr. Smartypants thought for a moment, “All the ones that live in this house.”
“Well, I love you both more than all the stars, the moon and all the Wal-Marts in the world… but you said always obedient and kind, right?”
Mr. Smartypants rolled his eyes, “Well, can I have a dollar for vacuuming then.”
Ms. Diva piped us, “I want a dollar too.”
Mr. Smartypants said, “I asked first!”
Ms. Diva said, “Yeah, and your breath smells, so shut up.”
“BEDTIME,” I announced, “And if you stop fighting right now, you each get an extra bedtime story.”
And no one got an extra story.