Barack Hussein Obama, Roger Clemens’ Butt and Other Important Issues of Our Time

This morning I stopped at the local beer joint to grab a cup of coffee. (I know it sounds funny, but the beer joint is one of the few places in town brewing JFG. Consequently, they get just as many of the local coffee drinkers as they do alcoholics.)

Anyway, I bumped into Backwoods Bob there. He mentioned he’d been monitoring the blog because he assumed I’d have something to say about the “Bill Hobbs Issue.”

(Bill Hobbs is a Nashville blogger and communications director for the TN GOP. In the event you have been living under a rock without internet access, cable TV or newspaper delivery: you can go here for a recap of the controversy.)

Backwood Bob thought since I am a “local Republican Obama-Defender” I’d “for surely” mention the issue.

(I should note I’ve earned the “Obama Defender” title because I send out Snopes links in response to those Obama is a Muslim emails. Folks assume I refute rumors about Obama because I support him. This isn’t accurate. I refute the rumors because if you hate Barack Obama, I want you to hate him for the right reasons.)

Anyway, here is my official opinion on the Bill Hobbs Issue.
I don’t consider it an issue.

Folks, our country is at war. Our economy is tanking. Our children are sucking toys chocked full of Chinese lead. I met a homeless fellow in Knoxville last week: I’d met him before because we attended college together.

My neighbors in the next subdivision over are as nervous as longtailed cats in a roomful of rocking chairs because the husband’s company may be shipping his production line overseas, making him a 48-year-old a displaced American worker with three kids to put through college and a mortgage.

Add to this, I don’t know if mankind contributes significantly to global warming but I do know Hawkins County hasn’t seen a decent snow since the late 90’s. So, I can’t go sledding and I blame AlGore.

Furthermore, the water is drying up. This has created such a crisis in the state of Georgia, the lawmakers there have gone mad from thirst and staked a claim on our river. This bothers me – as I have an Uncle who has threatened to shoot neighbors for messing around in his creek. Considering this is an entire river: he’s ready to haul heavy artillery to the state line.

Laugh now – but if the drought persists as predicted, this is going to get worse before it gets better. And what if Uncle C does manage to get his hands on serious military surplus? Everyone between Northeast Tennessee and the Georgia line could be screwed when he attempts to get from here to there with a short temper, road rage, weapons and a used Humvee.

Top this off with the fact that a growing majority of our population is becoming so increasingly frustrated over porous US borders and misled by the hateful rhetoric that good people are turning bad. Yesterday, I watched a sweet lil’ granny woman flip evil on a little Mexican girl, who couldn’t have been more than nine-years old.

I’ll tell you right now – the experience of seeing an 82-year old woman call a small child a Nasty Lil’ Illegal and lift her cane as if to strike the child was downright disturbing.  It irreversibly altered my opinion of this lady and disappointed me because I thought anyone with that many wrinkles ought to know better. If our reward for suffering the ravages of time and gravity isn’t that we gain large stores of wisdom and tolerance: what’s the damn point? Also, as I believe that being cruel to any child increases the likelihood that you go to Hell when you die, I think someone this close to the crossroads shouldn’t be dicking around with such meanness.

Perhaps, when she dies, she will dwell in a place where she shall eat only tamales and dance forever to the endless music of a mariachi band. I don’t know. It seems fitting.

As I see it, my family and the folks around us are facing some serious problems. Unfortunately, We the People have hit all-time pathetic low. I mean an ornery, malcontented, self-destructive, lower than a snakes belly button type of low, the kind which inspires folks to stab their neighbor in the back in order to prove, once and for all, their knife is sharper.

This lowness allows us to completely avoid discussing how to fix all of the aforementioned shit we’ve broken… and instead concentrate on truly meaningful political issues such as did Roger Clemens inject performance enhancing drugs into his butt cheek, did the New York Times have enough evidence to suggest McCain inappropriately shagged a lobbyist, which side is dirtier the left or the right… or we are just too wrapped up in our outrage over the heinous usage of a Presidential candidate’s full name.

Seriously? His middle name is unspeakable now? How is that going to work during the swearing-in ceremony? And considering everything else that’s going on, this all doesn’t strike you as a little bit crazy?

Look, Bill Hobbs is a paid Republican Shit-Stirrer. If I want to know what the right side is making a stink about, I’ll go read him. If I want to see what the left side is making a stink about, I’ll go read the Donkey’s Mouth.

Point being they all carry the same kind of big stinkin’ stick.

So, why is the entire nation suddenly shocked and appalled? Yes, the GOP dropped minor facts in a huge “fear-bomb” – but is this any different from the left-side pointing out that Ron Paul is supported by kooks and takes money from extremist groups, Mormons like Mitt wear funny underwear, Mike Huckabee probably bosses his wife around because he’s Southern Baptist – and ya’ll know how we do.

Nah, Democrats never play this game, do they?

I don’t like the whole notion that there are different rules for the left and right when one side is just as guilty as the other. And if my grandmother were in charge of national politics, she’d crack everybody’s heads together and force them to sit in one big giant lazy-boy chair until they worked it out and came up hugging.

Of course, that ain’t going to happen.

And it is possible that what I’m about to say comes from being cranky because I’ve been subjected to way too many presidential debates or maybe I’m irritable because my flu shot didn’t work and I still feel like crap. (Or…. there could be something to my theory that the entire population of the United States of America must be buying their bloomers three sizes too small, which explains why ya’ll are so dang contrary.)

But as a regular ol’ middle-class American voter, who could go either way at any time, I would just like to say: Barack Hussein Obama, Barack Hussein Obama and Barack Hussein Obama.

Let me also say: Barack Hussein Obama.

Umm, that’s his name, isn’t it?

Disclaimer: I’ve been asked to clarify all comments & opinions expressed herein are my own and NOT those of my employer, the Republican Party, Jesus Christ, God, the Southern Baptist Association or my Liberal friend, Mia, who fears that by posting this, “I might as well roll my ass in troll bait” and scream “sic it.”

Please understand that no cruelty to animals or disrespect for religious, racial, social, asocial, sexual or asexual minorities is intended. In fact, if you find ANYTHING offensive or politically incorrect on this page, this proves my theory that your underwear does not fit properly.

Of course, if this post pissed you off, feel free to comment or flame me in space provided below; however, by doing so, you agree and understand that you are adding your name to my list. Adding your name to my list is not an admission of guilt – and I am not sure why I’m keeping the list but I do reserve the right to take the appropriate actions against those people on the list, which may include but not be limited to exclusion from the Demarcationville Christmas card list, which doesn’t yet exist but might someday – and when it does, you won’t be getting any holiday greetings from me. Or you will – and if you’re on the left side, it will be a manger scene or if you’re on the right side, it will be a black Jesus with a balloon comment reading “Stop Putting Words in my Mouth.”

Also, by agreeing to add your name to my list, you also accept and understand than a an asterisk may be added to your name on the invitation list for our annual “Big-Ass Pig Roast Down at the River for Wingnuts and Moonbats Alike” and you  will likely be served cheap beer.   This offer is void where prohibited and valid and only at participating locations.

This supersedes all previous notices.

Also, please do not write below this line: the comment section is for office use only.

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4 thoughts on “Barack Hussein Obama, Roger Clemens’ Butt and Other Important Issues of Our Time

  1. Cunningham doesn’t bother me because he is obviously just a blow hard who, in your own words, is truly a “shit-stirrer”

    What bothers me is someone like talk show blow hard Mike Gallagher who does the same type of thing with Barack’s middle name (emphasizing the fact that anyone with that name is a terrorist) but then follows is up with the following, and I quote: “Nobody with the name Barack Hussein Obama, is ever going to get elected in this country”.

    That’s just plain hate-speak. That is a clear attempt to get a rise of hate from his Stepford-Wife-Type-followers to hate him because of his name. And I know in my heart there are those out there stupid enough to believe it.

    I really enjoyed your post and your writing style. I respect anyone who sticks up for what they believe in and can articulate it well, whether or not I agree with them. Keep up the good work.

  2. Pingback: Volunteer Voters » That’s Just How They Do

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