Pee-Wee Tryouts & Signing Bonuses

Basketball try-outs for the Rogersville City Park and Rec league will be held tomorrow (Saturday, Nov. 10, 2007) beginning at 9:30AM. These try-outs will be held in the old gym at Rogersville City School. All new players are required to attend.

What this means for parents: the children will wrestle the ball around the floor for 15-20 minutes and trip over their shoelaces while CoachDads watch with furrowed brows as they attempt to assess athletic ability and potential of each player.  Some may even take notes.  Seriously.  All that’s missing will be the sports jackets and whispers of signing bonuses.  Meanwhile, parents will be jockeying for a spot on the winning-est team. Having cited third cousin ties and claiming imaginary carpool issues on the registration form, they will slink over to discreetly remind “whomever has a clipboard” about these issues.

Those parents, who refrain from jockeying for position, will be approached by Mr. Somebody-You-Knew-In-High School. They will say, “Is that your boy/girl? I am going to try to get him/her on my team.” To which you say (even if you aren’t fond of that person), “Yeah, okay, that’ll be nice.”  Don’t fret. Rarely do they mean this. It’s just idle try-out chit-chat, similar to the Southern departing shot – “Ya’ll come over and see us sometime.” Neither is a binding agreement.  It’s more or less just something to say.

Later, the coaches will all meet at the Park and Rec department for the draft and argue over the best players. Teams will be assigned. All will agree to those teams – for the explicit purpose of having something to bitch about later.  After which, three things can happen.

(1) You will have a winning season because it was all done fairly.

(2) You will have a losing season because the Park Director rigged everything, the coaches are crooked/rich/connected and the world is out to get you and your little basketball team too.

(3) It could go either way – but you don’t care because you will realize in the grand scheme of things baby basketball doesn’t amount to much. Therefore, you sit in the bleachers, cheer and talk incessantly to the other mommies about shoes, people, botox and boob jobs – those who’ve had them, those who ain’t.

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