The Incredible Shrinking Stadium

I don’t know how it happened – perhaps it can be explained by the rain or the drought, perhaps by magic or maybe even a secret government shrink-ray: but I do know for a fact that Neyland Stadium shrank.

I am not talking about the size of the stadium – but actual seat space. It has gotten smaller since last time I attended a UT game.

I know what you’re thinking. No, it’s not the size of my ass. I’m 5’8 and weigh in at 106 pounds – and I have trouble fitting in the alloted space.

Seriously, c’mon –


I am supposed to fit my whole ass right there on that number??

How can normal people accomplish this. Even if you diet for a month and bound your butt cheeks in an ace bandage – it simply cannot be done.

Big Orange Crowd

And while UT fans are a friendly bunch of people, folks marinating in Orange Fever at 80-100 degrees start getting a bit funky.

Oh, and let’s not forget about Scott: the pretzel-dropping dude, who smells of cheese and Jack Daniels, who always sits behind me.  Where do you think portions of his pretzel-droppings landed? The rest covered the front of his shirt… you know, until he licked it off.   Then, to my left, there was bespectacled Roger, who was a UT freshman in `98 and is incredibly tall, which meant his long legs had to infringe upon my space. I didn’t mind since he seemed like a sweet enough guy – if you could overlook the fact that he expressed his (frequent) displeasure with the Vols by screaming: “Son…. of…. a…. bitch.” I suppose this is okay too since he likewise displayed his gratitude for every well-executed play or tackle.  “Get him! Pass it. THAAANK YOU!”

Meanwhile on my right were the boys – seven year-old Mr. Smartypants and his buddy from school. They squirmed and chattered the entire first 2 quarters of the game.

Boy 1 – “Hey, look, a dude in a Doodlebop wig!”

Boy 2 – “Where?”

Boy 1 – “There… right there!”

Boy 2 – “By the guy in the helmet?”

Boy 1 – “No there.”

Boy 2 – “Yeah! Moe from the DoodleBops! Hey Moe! Can we do the wave now?”

Me: – “No.”

Boy 1 – “Hey, did we get a touchdown?”

Me – “No, we stopped the other team from getting a touchdown.”

Boy 2 – “Oh, we cheer for that too?”

Boy 1 – “What about now, did we get a touchdown?”

Me – “No the ref reversed a call.”

Boy 2 – “And we’re cheering for him? Even if he messed it up in the first place?”

Boy 1 – “Does that mean we can do the wave?”

Me: – “No.”

Boy 2:- “Did we get a touchdown yet?”

Me: – “Yes, we got a touchdown.”

Boy 1- ” “YAY! T-E-N-N-S-S-E-E!”

Boy 2 – “You spelled it wrong.”

Boy 1 – “Huh-uh!”

Boy 2 – “Uh-huh”

Boy 1 – “Did not.”

Boy 2 – “Did Too!”

Me – “Why don’t you both just spell VOLS?”

Boys 1 and 2 – “Cool. Then, can we do the wave?”

Me – “Sure, knock yourself out.”

Boy 1 – “You know, this might be easier if we had foam fingers.”

Me – “Scott, you got anything I can put in my soda?”



One thought on “The Incredible Shrinking Stadium

  1. AMEN and AYYYYYMEN! My season tickets this year went to someone else because I can’t fit my oversized butt in the seat. Now I know I could make the effort to shrink the butt, but (hehehe I said butt but) if you can’t fit at your size I give up trying. I ain’t EVER gonna be your size, even if that shrink ray hit me hard.

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