I’ve gotten several emails about tomorrow’s Peaceful Picket Line Protest against Congressman David Davis at Bristol Motor Speedway. The truth is I don’t know anything about the event. I hadn’t planned to attend. The kids have a Meet-the-Teacher type shindig at school: and then we’re off to the Greene County Fair to see the demolition derby.
And to be quite honest, I’ve been far too busy to give Davis anything more than a passing thought over the past two weeks.
(For those of you who missed the Davis story, Joe Powell `splains it all right here.) The short version is: my Congressman voted against the Animal Fighting Prohibition Act. He did not vote against the Act because he supports animal fighting. As per the explanations of his office and his supporters, Davis apparently rejected the Act due to his fear that the Humane Society was exploiting the media coverage of the Michael Vick case to advance their political agenda. This, of course, could somehow mysteriously diminish state’s rights and enable animal rights activists to conspire with the TVA and a marauding band of disgruntled ex-nuclear physicists from Oak Ridge to take over East Tennessee. Then, should the South rise again, the animal-loving non-confederate hippy scientists would have a preexisting stronghold in this portion of the state… Okay, this might not be the precise theory but close enough. )
You know, two weeks ago, I was very upset about this whole Davis debacle. In fact, I was so upset I decided to train my dog to bite Davis during one of his constituent outreach appearances.
Alas, poor Oscar doesn’t have it in him to be a vicious attack hound. I don’t think he’d attack anyone even if we duct taped a t-bone to their ass. And really, how aggressive can you expect a Basset Hound with pastel pink painted toenails (courtesy of Ms. Diva) to be? I also imagine a nip of Davis would exacerbate Oscar’s canine flatulence problem. I mean some of the Republicans around here give me gas, and I wouldn’t want to inflict that kind of discomfort on my dog.
You know what they say. If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself. So, I considered appearing at Davis’ fund-raising seminar last Tuesday and biting him myself. I scoured the Michie legal resources site for Congressman biting laws, although I was unable to determine whether this would be a misdemeanor or felony. I don’t want to risk becoming a guest of the TDOC. Not to mention, the publicity would give poor Cecile T, our local GOP chairwoman, a full-blown swoon.
This brought me to the final option for immediate results. I’d have to remove Davis from Office by exercising my fundamental right and Constitutional control over my representatives. Yes, I know. Unseating a Congressman without the benefit of photo of said official frolicking drunk and naked with the DC madam and a known mobster is difficult. With soccer season coming up and school starting, I only have a limited amount of time to invest in the project. Nevertheless, off I went to search for my “How to Unseat a Schmuck Before Soccer Season Starts” book. Okay, not really. I was searching for a tennis racket, but I assumed most of you would find one item just as believable as the other.
Of course, I do have a tennis racket. I bought it when I decided that tennis skirts were cute and the sport looked easy enough. This was back in `89-`90. The racket has been collecting dust since `92. A friend asked to borrow it, and I seemed to have some vague recollection of seeing the racket in the basement back in 1997.
After weaving through the stack of boxes and pushing past this decade’s layer of junk, I made it into what I suspected was the early-1990s division. That’s when I stepped in a pile of freakishly large jumping spiders.
I decided then and there to gather up my buckets, mops, brooms, gas masks, bug spray and a shotgun (hey, I don’t know what’s down there!) and get to work.
So, for the past week, I’ve been cleaning out my basement and don’t have time to dwell on David Davis.
You know, in the end, I think he’s done more damage to himself than I could ever do. If you will recall, this is a guy who secured his office by the hair of his chinny-chin chin. Since being in office, he has ignored the wishes of his constituents. So, I think deep down he doesn’t like being a Congressman. He wants us to vote him out and this is his cry for help.
I’m sure many of us are willing to oblige when the time comes.