Handlin' a Hawg

Here are the General Southern Guidelines For Riding A Motorcycle Safely.

Be visible:

  • Remember motorists often have trouble seeing motorcycles and reacting in time.  Make yourself visible by enlisting eight of your buddies to accompany you.  Do not ride the same bike.  A large group  is more noticeable, and the fear that you may be trouble-seeking Hell’s Angels will cause motorists to give you wide berth.

  • Use your bike to gain notice. Make sure your headlight works and is on day and night. Flash your brake light when you are slowing down and before stopping. If a motorist doesn’t see you, don’t be afraid to use your horn. If your horn does not work, practice yelling, “You Sumabitch!” as loud as humanly possible.

  • Once on the road, do NOT grab a fistful of throttle and rev your engine at every car you see. This will make them want to hit you.
  • Avoid the temptation to pop wheelies! After all, you don’t have a headlight attached to the bottom of your bike – therefore it more difficult to see when you’re popping wheelies. Besides: wheelies are illegal in the state of Tennessee unless your in a parade, in which case you should avoid taking out the marching band and mowing down Shriners.

Dress for safety. Remember – the only thing between you and the road is your protective gear.

  • Wear a helmet andeye protection. It is not advisable to use a pot as a helmet – even if it is cast iron.

  • Wear leather or other thick, protective clothing.
  • Choose long sleeves and pants, over-the-ankle boots, and gloves.
  • Wear light colored clothing or use reflective strips or decals on your clothing and on your motorcycle. If you don’t have reflective tape: duct tape might work.
  • If your wife has used the duct tape for home repairs, you can affix a light stick to your clothing. Please note light sticks are different from incendiary flares. Do not affix anything with an open flame to yourself or a motorbike.

Apply effective mental strategies:

  • Constantly search the road for changing conditions.
  • Pretend you’re invisible, and ride extra defensively.
  • Give yourself space and time to respond to other motorists’ actions.
  • Carry a Weedeater
  • Don’t ride when you are under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.


  • Develop your riding techniques before going into heavy traffic. Know how to handle your bike in conditions such as wet roads, high winds, and uneven surfaces.
  • Beware of surfaces, which can cause you to lose traction. Some of these are oil slicks, sand, loose gravel and cow shit.
  • When approaching a small body of water, use caution. If you must cross a creek, go slow, aim for high ground and avoid slippery areas. If your passenger weighs over 200 pounds, ask her politely to get off and walk.

One thought on “Handlin' a Hawg

  1. Humor mixed with sound advice. Be careful Angie. You might start to get taken seriously. Took me a moment to figure out the weedeater… No pretending about being invisible. You are invisible with the exception of the rotating bright neon target emblem surrounding you. Everyone and every thing is after you. You did forget about the squirrels on the side of the road betting whether or not they can run between your tires on a curve. The ones who lose, can get you attention when your coefficient of friction suddenly decreases while you are leaned over in a curve. See ya around.

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