I wanted to avoid blogging the Big Bad Immigration Bill because (1) the Internet is rich with opinion and will survive without my two cents and (2) I don’t know enough about the legislation to add anything worthwhile.
Still, given the size of the text, one must assume there’s more to it than those points the media and White House have deemed worthy of highlighting. Typically, the “more” is buried between the Title and Subtitles where the layers of Chapter enacts amendments to the definitions of the subchapters for section BR-549 – those are always the parts of which I am wary.
So, I was going to settle in and read it… when Cousin Marie called frothing at the mouth about (you guessed it) Immigration reform and a post on my blog about Immigration, which she felt might “set-back the cause.”
This was odd for several reasons.
(1) Marie doesn’t read my blog.
In her own words: “Hmph! That mess she writes just makes my blood pressure rise up.” For the purpose of self-preservation, I’d have thought her hard drive would be programmed to self-destruct upon contact with my tainted URL.
(2) Marie and I have already discussed Immigration.
In fact, the last debate we had led to the infamous Fried-Chicken Throwing Incident at 2006 family reunion. Marie, who was gesturing with her drumstick, became loud and animated. The chicken allegedly slipped from her fingers and went airborne before landing in Aunt Betty’s bouffant hairdo. After dislodging the poultry from Betty’s beehive, there was a sizable hole and a bit of special recipe residue. Marie swears it was a freak accident, but I am not planning to invite her over for ham anytime soon.
(3) Marie and I do not have telephone conversations.
Marie and I have a long-term relationship based on mutual animosity and lack of communication. It has taken us years of forced socialization and politely-worded potshots to arrive at a level of dislike where we do not feel obligated by blood to associate. Why mess up a good thing? All for what? Our discussions end in a quite predictable manner. She will call me a skinny left leaner. I will suggest she do her part to support the war by donating her granny bloomers to the military for use as parachutes.
However, Marie was compelled to call and point out that I exploited emotion to support my argument and such blogging tactics could damage true immigration reform… uh, sure because the nation’s leaders read my blog regularly and use my valuable insight to assist them in creating sound US policy… riiiight. Actually, my response was: “What blog? My blog? You are reading my blog! Ha! You love my blog! Admit it. You’re secretly subscribed to my rss feed, aren’t you?”
For the next 30 minutes, Marie sang the standard chorus of “Mexicans are Bad.” First verse: “They drive drunk and mow down ol’ ladies. They ruin America and have brown babies.” (Brainstorm: Marie and Donna Locke should start a rock band and call it Xenophobic Revolution. The folks at TN Rip could be the backup singers – after all, they know the same tune.) Next verse: “Brown people are invading our borders. Amnesty is no solution. The only answer now is a violent revolution!”
So, I said: “What? Revolution? Really? Can I pick which side I’m on, and are we using bullets or drumsticks? Oh, and if you guys win, can we still eat fajitas or will those be outlawed as an alien sustenance?
Marie hung up on me…. Such a shame, I never even got around to mentioning her big bloomers.