Southerner’s Exordium of Doom

In the South, the scariest preface for any conversation is: “You know, we’ve been talking…”

Any time you hear this phrase, you are on the verge of being volunteered, nominated, included, excluded, scolded, assigned, or notified of something so unpleasant it warranted a series of secret group discussions.  Usually the folks involved in the “we’ve” portion of that sentence have made the/your decision: they are now notifying you as a courtesy.

You know, we’ve been talking and we think that you’d be the best person to head up the church bake sale.” Well gosh, if you’ve already talked about it….

“You know, we’ve been talking and we don’t think you should actually bake anything for the sale. Just because you’re….um, you know, busy.” You bring Brownies hard enough to cut diamonds one time, and you never hear the end of it.

You know, we’ve been talking and we’ve decided you should have the ADHD-afflicted 1st grader with the penchant for picking his nose and making fart noises in your zoo-group because you can relate to him better than the other chaperones.” These discussions are why parents should never arrive five minutes late on field trip day.

You know, we’ve been talking and while everyone is welcome to join the choir, we think it would be for the best if we turned the power off on your microphone.” So, does that mean no solo for me?

You know, we’ve been talking about we’d like to invite you to our baptist church… and we don’t even think anyone will mind that you’re family is um… ethnic. ” Aw, shucks ya’ll. That is so sweet! To reciprocate, we’d like to invite you to our Annual Wicked Brown People Voodoo Hippy Festival. It’s during the next full moon: and it’s a huge deal because that’s when we ride in on our unicorns and hold the sacrificial ceremony, where we all wear purple-feathered buffalo-bone breast-plates and offer a honkie virgin to the HolaComoEstas, goddess of brownness. Would you like to RSVP now? But you’ll have to bring your own dead chicken, okay?

You know, we’ve been talking and we don’t think you should publicly refer to the County Mayor Crockett Lee as Sir Fucktard anymore.” So, you’re not comfortable with the “Sir” part?

You know, we’ve been talking and we just don’t think a t-shirt that says “Republicans make Good Leaders. Democrats make Good Lovers. Vote Republican and Screw Democrats” is really appropriate attire for a parent.” Well, can I at least keep the bumper sticker.

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One thought on “Southerner’s Exordium of Doom

  1. You know we’ve been talking and we think you are the perfect person to sing a solo at the farewell party for Sir Fucktard following the next election and would like to have you as chair person for the local VRSD chapter. Free T-shirt and bumperstickers for life if you accept.

    PS

    I would like to RSVP for this years Wicked Brown People Voodoo Hippy Festival. I have a honkie virgin I’d like to nominate for sacrifice and I am raising some chickens if anyone needs one for the ceremony just let me know, I will kill a few extras to bring along just in case someone forgets theirs. See ya then.

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