Once in awhile from the stinking heap of poo that is TN state politics, a true Redneck leader will emerge. This leader will have a plucky character, bit of flair and questionable amount of good sense. He will be entertaining yet well-meaning. He will be able to sustain prolonged bouts of dumbassedness, frequently behave as though he has ingested a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and possess the astounding ability to impress upon the nation – we Tennesseans are a backwoods gaggle of opossum-eating, shotgun-totin’ good ol’ boys.
This rare and unique leader will then become eligible for the prestigious Yee-Haw Bubba Award. Recipients of the Yee-Haw Bubba are selected by the Institute for Redneck Research on Public Policy, Carburetors, UFO’s, Infomerials and Other Shit. The award is bestowed to those who have proven themselves truly worthy of the Bubba title.
I am pleased to announce that after years of searching, a recipient has finally been chosen for this award… [drumroll please….] The winner of the 2007 Yee-Haw Bubba award is…. [You’re thinkin’ it’s Stacey Campfield, right?]…. State Senator Tim Burchett (R- Knoxville, District 7)
Tim Bubba Burchett came to our attention in 1999. At that time, he was a member of the Tennessee House of Representatives and had received national media coverage for his “Road Kill Bill.” . Burchett’s legislation allowed those eating roadkill to notify the county game warden after the fact, rather than before. According to Burchett, the carcasses did not need to rot while waiting for the warden to arrive… after all, *there were orphans, who could make good stew of the meat. [*No statistical data on annual consumption of Road Kill Stew by orphans in State of Tennessee available at this time]
After Burchett’s election to the State Senate, he again made the news when he (1) voted for 173-year-old (approximate age) Democrat, *John Wilder as Senate Speaker in `05 and (2) in Fall of `06 when he held four teenage boys at gunpoint. Burchett had caught the boys attempting to burglarize his Knoxville warehouse. According to press reports, the Senator notified the authorities and was advised by the dispatcher not to do anything foolish. But when the boys appeared to be leaving, Burchett whipped out his 9mm.
To his credit, he (1) did feed them chocolate chip cookies while they were being held at gunpoint and managed not to shoot them or himself. And (2) when his party loyalty was questioned over his vote for Wilder, he did not turn into a *big fat CryBaby and declare himself an Independent.
[*Wilder was replaced during current term by Ron Ramsey]
[*Out of respect and support for my elected official, I thought it best not to mention Senator Mike Williams by name.]
A few more tidbits about Burchett:
He was vehemently opposed to the use of Tennessee National Guard troops along the Mexican border. The troops were to support and assist border patrol; however, Burchett stated the guards inability to defend themselves was “a recipe for disaster.” In a letter to the governor, the Knoxville Republican wrote that the troops should be given “authorization … to defend themselves and our borders.” Bubba Burchett may have later recommended all guardsmen be given 9mm and cookies to aid in execution of their duties.
Burchett has also proposed legislation that would (1) allow any resident, who has a valid handgun carry permit, to possess his or her handgun while within the boundaries of any state park. You know, in case a bear should attack. Then, the resident could shoot the bear and feed the carcass to orphans.
Senator Bubba is such a kind and thoughtful fella, he sought to prohibit the sale of lottery tickets at any business holding a license or permit for on-premises consumption of alcohol or beer because he was apparently worried that we drunkards might lose our winning lottery tickets. The bill failed but it’s the thought that counts.
Burchett has also proposed various bills regarding regulation of drugs and alcohol. Although he hasn’t introduced legislation to combat the growing problem with Methamphetamine, he did introduce legislation that would require ID tags on kegs; and purchasers of kegs containing beer to sign registration forms. He also sponsored a bill which successfully banned consumption of Salvia divinorum. Yeah, I didn’t know what the hell it was either. But Salvia D is apparently a form of sage with hallucinogenic properties. Although the plant can still be grown and harvested strictly for aesthetic, landscaping or decorative purposes, Senator Bubba successfully prohibited misuse of the plant by all four of those Tennesseans who knew it existed.
Burchett also proposed amendment to the domestic violence laws, which would expand definition of abuse to include physical harm, attempted physical harm, or threatened physical harm to a pet of an adult or minor and allows security of pets to be provided for in protection orders. The bill was withdrawn. Therefore, you cannot at this time obtain a Restraining Order on behalf of Beauford, the Blue Tick, whom your unregistered keg drinking, lottery-ticket losing bitch of an ex-wife once tried to kidnap and hold hostage.
Last but not least, the legislation that earned Senator Bubba the highest of Yee-Haw honor: Senate bill SB1511 exempting persons 21 years of age and older from requirement that persons riding a motorcycle must wear a helmet. After years of trying, Burchett’s “Let The Dumbasses Ride Free” Bill has passed the Senate and has moved into the House. Senators voting aye were: Beavers, Bunch, Burchett, Burks, Crowe, Henry, Jackson, Johnson, Ketron, Kilby, McNally, Norris, Southerland, Tracy, Wilder, Williams, Woodson, Mr. Speaker Ramsey.
The bill is not expected to pass in the House because helmets save lives, reduce likelihood of debilitating injury, and help keep health care costs down. Plus, passage of the Bill would open up a whole new set of questions, such as (1) under Tennessee Code, do mangled motorcycle riders count as road-kill and (2) how long would you have to soak them in Salt Water before they’d be suitable for Orphan Stew and (3) What kind of cookies would one serve with this?
Nevertheless, IRR finds Tim Burchett highly deserving of the Yee-Haw Bubba Award. Burchett will be awarded a 30% off coupon for Applebee’s, a six pack of Busch beer and right to claim the esteemed Senator Bubba title.