Practicality a Tiring Trait


I have a group of “artsy-fartsy hippy-type” friends (Daddy’s term, not mine) And I adore my friends.  I do.  They are all beautiful, talented, and intelligent people, who tend to keep good booze at their disgustingly immaculate homes, which (after I get beyond my domestic maintenance inferiority complex) is a definite plus.

But can I just say that I find it increasingly difficult to be among people who believe in the possibility of painting rainbows in the sky. These people, as a rule, support rights of all humans, cows, chickens, mosquitoes and furry things including but not limited to vermin. They promote reform of all types – health care, education, economic and social… although they have no clear ideas how to bring this about.  They condemn government, the military, organized religion, James Dobson, and any big heartless corporations like Wal-Mart, (which by the way they plan to topple with a boycott.)

They may also believe if they could buy the world a coke – perfect harmonies would be sung, peace would ensue, and cute furry freakin’ polar bears would be our new best friends.

It is SOOO damn frustrating to always be the one, who points out that (1) um… polar bears bite and (2) rainbow painting and worldwide Coke distribution would require paint, heavy equipment, a helluva lot of soda pop and some type of distribution plan.  All of which would require funding.  Private funding would be insufficient for such a massive project.  We’d have to seek donors.   In order to seek large contributions from donors, the appropriate paperwork would need to be filed to establish a non-profit rainbow-painting corporation and a Rainbow Painting board of directors would have to be named.  After all, someone needs to be responsible for filing the annual reports and maintaining active status. After this, we may then qualify for grant monies from the Department of the Department of the Department’s Office for the Development of Rainbow Painting Programs for Social Reform.  All we have to do is complete this 263 page application and attach 29 exhibits. Good news is Coke is willing to donate 32% of the supplies needed, but they want a logo painted on 3 out of every 5 rainbows erected annually.  And hate to mention this, but we can cut estimated rainbow-painting program expenditures by 45% if we purchase the paint in bulk from Sam’s Wholesale.

It never fails.  After spending time with these people who dream big dreams, think big thoughts, spend countless hours fabricating conspiracy theories to post on their blogs and painting controversial art depicting the sacred patooty of the Virgin Mary to protest the subjugation of women in organized religion – I have to go and crush dreams with my iron-fist of common sense and fact.

As a result, I walk away feeling like some uncouth, sloven, polyester-wearing killjoy, who has just devoured a Polar Bear steak, belched and blurted out: “Welcome to the Real World, Bitches! Eat some red meat and have cheap beer! After yer finished, ya’ll need some church.”


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