Lessons I've Learned from a Kindergartener

When I was in kindergarten, the teacher’s primary responsibility was to keep us from eating the crayons. I don’t recall learning anything useful, unless you consider Duck, Duck, Goose useful.
Well, things have certainly changed. Nowadays, kindergarten goes way beyond the basic alphabet. My son, The Kindergartener, is covering phonemic awareness, high frequency words, reading comprehension, relationships, patterns, probability, shape, space and measurement. Toss in a few good old basics: and you have an advanced Grade K curriculum.
He even has homework. Each week, his teacher sends home a “letter of the week” sheet. My son’s assignment is to seek out books, magazines, newspapers and other materials that I haven’t read, hack them to bits and fill the page with things that begin, end or contain the sound of the designated letter. And believe it or not, my new role as supervisor of all Kindergarten homework has taught me a few things too.

1. You can turn any word into an insult by adding the word “head” or “face” to the end of it: Example: “crayon-head”, “TV-face”
2. Washable glue is not washable if spilled on leather upholstery, silk rugs or certain types of soccer shorts.
3. Washable glue is difficult to wash off of small dogs, siblings and the hair of Cabbage Patch Dolls.
4. You cannot glue a 34- pound child to the wall using Elmer’s.
You’ll need something stronger, such as Daddy’s Lock-Tight.
5. Clandestine taste tests have proven, Basset Hounds enjoy the flavor of Elmer’s Glue
but prefer the generic Dollar Store brand glue 3-1.
6. Generic Glue tends to give Basset Hounds gas.
7. If a small dog/child bites a bottle of glue, it will squirt all the way into the kitchen.
8. If you buy two identical pairs of safety scissors, a six-year-old will be able to identify his pair.
9. His pair will unfailingly be the ones his sister is using.
10. If you go grocery shopping with a photo of a lime-green, pop-eyed Australian Tree Frog glued to your rump,
no one will tell you.
11. When standing in line, you should always be patient and wait your turn…
even if you’re embarrassed because you’ve been traipsing around the store with a froggy on your rump.
12. Name-calling isn’t nice – no, not even if the other person committed a serious traffic blunder.
13. All cool six-year-old boys have B.B. guns, cowboy boots, ninja weapons and eat yogurt raisins for snack.
14. My son is only 1/4 cool.
15. Ms. Webb is secretly the leader of a group of crime-fighting ninjas principals.
16. YES, this is true because (insert name of boy here) said so and he is in Second Grade!
17. If you see a real bear in the woods, you can grab it by the tail, and the bear will have to become your pet.
It’s the law of the wild.
18. This is so true because (insert name of second-grade boy here) said so!
19. Ms. Bible, the librarian, is not named after the Bible but probably knows all the words
because she reads a lot and has a big “diptionary.”
20. All of the other moms let their kids watch PG-13 movies, eat large amounts of chocolate,

stay up until midnight and ride their bikes without helmets!


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