Mind the Kids, Mop the Floor, Do the Taxes… Hut, hut hut!

I am not an expert on the game of football. I am, however, an avid spectator. Of course, I am probably spectatin’ on something different than the average male fan. Whereas men can quote player stats and performance tidbits, I can tell you if a player looks good in his uniform and what brand of shoes he is wearing.
You men are rolling your eyes right now, aren’t you? Go ahead. I will be the first to admit that most women lack a true appreciation for the sport of football. After all, the game was designed by men, intended to be played by men and caters to male mentality.
Let me explain. (Bear in mind I am working with the limited comprehension of a female here.)
Success in the game of football requires a capable offense. Defense and special teams are important too, but offense puts points on the board. A decent offense requires three basic things: an offensive line, quarterback and receiver.
The offensive line consists of no less than five big beefy boys, who have arms resembling ham hocks, lift Volkswagens for fun, and boast nicknames, such as “Bone Crusher” “Refrigerator” or “Monster Mauler.” The primary responsibility of the offensive line is to protect the quarterback by forming a human barrier and crushing, smashing or otherwise immobilizing the opponent.
The male influence is obvious here. The concept of standing around in someone’s way is male. Using brute force to remove obstacles is also a masculine characteristic.
The position of quarterback is a testosterone-suffused one as well. The quarterback is considered leader of the team. He calls the plays, always takes possession of the ball on the snap and then decides what to do with it – pass it, hand it, run it, or scream like a sissy and ground it without making it look intentional.
The quarterback usually runs the ball as a last option, is in constant communication with the head coach, offensive coordinator and their 15 assistants, has a hoard of beast-like men guarding him. Yet he is considered the most important player, which is why he gets all the fame, glory, girls and mega-bucks for going pro.
Now, if you ask a woman who the most important player is, she’d likely say the receiver.
A receiver, being very general here, is any guy who gets the ball from the quarterback, runs it down the field as far as possible while avoiding 300-pound pursuers. And should he end up at the bottom of the pile of freakish-sized men, he must also maintain possession of the ball.
Women seem to realize that there is a great deal of skill and effort involved here. We also realize that no matter how accurate or adept a quarterback is at throwing the ball, he’s useless without someone to catch it. Nevertheless, it stands to reason men would applaud the player whose contribution is limited to throwing the ball and then standing in the backfield scratching their bottom to see where it lands.
See, football bears a remarkable resemblance to real life. Men call the plays, pass the ball and expect someone else to do the running. Without women to act as their receivers, they too would be fairly useless. For instance, when my husband decided that our son should not ride the school bus, we should do our own taxes and that it was good ideal to turn the kids loose with finger paint, the task of pick-up, add-up and clean-up was passed to me.
When Daddy decided to have the kinfolk over for a barbeque, the task of food gathering and locating his “special Bubba Barbequing spatula” was handed off to Mamma.
When my husband is in charge of the kids and the little one screams: “Okay Daddy, I’m ready to wipe!” He panics and flees. That is definitely Intentional Grounding.
And this is why men relate to the game of football. For them, it is parallel to the game of life.
Likewise, this is why women tend to appreciate the one aspect of the game that is not remotely similar to our reality – muscle men in tight pants.


One thought on “Mind the Kids, Mop the Floor, Do the Taxes… Hut, hut hut!

  1. you’ve got an okay grasp of the game for a girl but quarterbacks have to make the quick decisions, thats why they’re important. its also why they are the first to get blamed if the team sucks. you forgot that part.

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