Handlin' a Hawg

Here are the General Southern Guidelines For Riding A Motorcycle Safely.

Be visible:

• Remember motorists often have trouble seeing motorcycles and reacting in time.  Make yourself visible by enlisting eight of your buddies to accompany you.  Do not ride the same bike.  A large group  is more noticeable, and the fear that you may be trouble-seeking Hell’s Angels will cause motorists to give you wide berth.

• Use your bike to gain notice. Make sure your headlight works and is on day and night. Flash your brake light when you are slowing down and before stopping. If a motorist doesn’t see you, don’t be afraid to use your horn. If your horn does not work, practice yelling, “You Sumabitch!” as loud as humanly possible.

• Once on the road, do NOT grab a fistful of throttle and rev your engine at every car you see. This will make them want to hit you.
• Avoid the temptation to pop wheelies! After all, you don’t have a headlight attached to the bottom of your bike – therefore it more difficult to see when you’re popping wheelies. Besides: wheelies are illegal in the state of Tennessee unless your in a parade, in which case you should avoid taking out the marching band and mowing down Shriners.

Dress for safety. Remember – the only thing between you and the road is your protective gear.

• Wear a helmet andeye protection. It is not advisable to use a pot as a helmet – even if it is cast iron.

• Wear leather or other thick, protective clothing.
• Choose long sleeves and pants, over-the-ankle boots, and gloves.
• Wear light colored clothing or use reflective strips or decals on your clothing and on your motorcycle. If you don’t have reflective tape: duct tape might work.
• If your wife has used the duct tape for home repairs, you can affix a light stick to your clothing. Please note light sticks are different from incendiary flares. Do not affix anything with an open flame to yourself or a motorbike.

Apply effective mental strategies:

• Constantly search the road for changing conditions.
• Pretend you’re invisible, and ride extra defensively.
• Give yourself space and time to respond to other motorists’ actions.
• Carry a Weedeater
• Don’t ride when you are under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.

Practice.

• Develop your riding techniques before going into heavy traffic. Know how to handle your bike in conditions such as wet roads, high winds, and uneven surfaces.
• Beware of surfaces, which can cause you to lose traction. Some of these are oil slicks, sand, loose gravel and cow shit.
• When approaching a small body of water, use caution. If you must cross a creek, go slow, aim for high ground and avoid slippery areas. If your passenger weighs over 200 pounds, ask her politely to get off and walk.

Read Full Post »

Woman's Work

Read Full Post »

McCain's Belt Tightening

Sen. John McCain’s presidential campaign appears to be in a fund-raising slump. As a result, the McCain camp has resorted to staff reductions and pay cuts.

Clearly, McCain cannot keep up with the political Joneses… Obamas – so the AZ Senator might want to try to getting more bang for his bucks by Piggyback Marketing.

To eliminate the need for paid airtime and a creative ad team, McCain could capture America’s full attention with any of these proven methods:

• party with Paris Hilton,
• claim to be the father of a dead movie star’s baby,
• dance with Fred’s wife,
• have sex with an intern,
• wear pink lacy panties and “accidentally” flash photogs
• or check into rehab.

Or he could seek a part-time job as a really bad lounge singer.

Read Full Post »

New Calling requires Conversion

Need a good laugh? Head over to Coyote Chronicles and read Mr. Mack’s plan to join the border patrol and toy with Oprah.

Read Full Post »

Righting Crockett’s Cart

Betcha Hawkins County Mayor Crockett Lee is still fuming over Monday’s Budget Committee meeting.

According to the Rogersville Review, Lee authorized $1,100 in overtime and $350 in fuel costs. The County Mayor’s office reports the money funded a trip to Florida, where county employees picked-up a military surplus vehicle.  The county’s intention was to assign this vehicle to the new EMA Director.  The funding for the trip will be covered by transfers within the existing EMA budget, specifically from anticipated costs of medical insurance.

However, District 4 Commissioner Virgil Mallet is miffed. He seems to think Crockett put the cart before the horse by approving the expenditure without the Budget Committee’s knowledge or consent. With Mallet entering the sole nay vote, the budget committee recommended approval of the budget amendment. A resolution is scheduled to go before the entire Commission on Tuesday.  Also on the agenda, a resolution naming Murrell as the EMA Director. I do not foresee any surprises coming out of the commission. My guess: Murrell gets the position and the Florida funding gets a final nod.

Nevertheless, Mallet did pose an interesting question: “What will happen if the commission votes no?”

Could the commission could take issue with Lee exercising $1.450 worth of authority? If so, how will Lee reimburse the county?

 

Read Full Post »

A Fine Toon

Latest offering from my favorite political cartoonist, Clay Jones.

Jones toons, talks, calls himself an unreliable conservative… and he’s in a rock band. It’s official. I have just upgraded from admiration to crush.

Read Full Post »

Assembly Adjourns: Stuff Accomplished

Well, according to Campfield’s blog – it’s over. They’ve adjourned.

Of course, most of you know about the big moves made in the state legislature, such as reforming the reform, hiking the tax and declaring indoor (public) places one big giant No-Smoking zone.

But what about those other bills? You know those small pieces of legislation that receive little or no attention? After all, it’s the little things that mean alot.

Therefore, I would like to list a few outstanding accomplishments of the 105th assembly so that my fellow Tennesseans can appreciate how hard-working and diligent their elected officials are.

(1) We now have a Bluegrass Day. This day will be on the 4th Saturday each May – and Thank God. It always troubled me to celebrate bluegrass on those other non-specified days.

(2) Tennessee has finally stepped up and passed a bill to regulate the used mattress market. Of course, the law doesn’t apply to chartered non-profits; but to all of those black-hearted sellers of used bedding, who advertise their filthy wares in the Smoky Mountain Trader – watch out! Our state is cracking down and seeking ways to avoid an epidemic of used mattress cooties.

(3) Legislators have agreed to change the name of the personnel department to Human Resources. It took many hours of debate in committee to determine which name was (a) PC and (b) easier for Stacey Campfield to spell. Human Resources (HR) was selected for the widely recognizable abbreviation.

(4) It’s about time! Finally, they regulated those damn billboards and moving sidewalks.

(5) The Nashville Zoo will be permitted to sell booze. I have mixed feeling about this piece of legislation… because lord knows there’s nothing more annoying that hearing a drunk guy argue with a pachyderm over who has a bigger trunk.

(6) I would like to report that our government made it easier to shoot people at your home and gamble online.

(7) Yes, you can still wear the full headdress to the ballfield; however, if Jesus rides shotgun, you’ll want to (1) leave two hours early and (2) have all documentation available.  Due to the prohibition on the transportation of “illegals” for profit or gain: having any brown person in the passenger seat is likely “reasonable cause for suspicion” and may get you pulled over, harassed and/or strip searched…  So, wear your good undies.

(8) You can’t pop wheelies on a motorbike unless you are in a parade.

(9) Burchett passed his legislation to extend protective orders to the pets of adults and/or minors named in the order. Therefore, your crazy ex-wife might think twice about kidnapping Beaufort the Blue Tick to hold him hostage, injuring him or shamelessly allow him to cavort with poodles.

(10) Most importantly: I am pleased to announce our esteemed legislators came together in truly bi-partisan effort and passed the butt bill.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for your work. I’m glad you managed to accomplish so much – as our public welfare required it.

Read Full Post »

Come Out of the Beergloo, Eugene. The Green Men are Gone.

I do not surf the net. I meander all around it, about it and through it like a feisty 72-year old woman on her first senior citizen’s site seeing trip. I started out here… and wound up here. I cannot recall the stops I’ve made in between and, after the second bathroom break, I forgot what I was looking for anyway.  However my tendency to veer off into parts unknown has finally paid off. How else would I have discovered that tin foil hats will not protect you from the deadly radiation that permeates the air.

Engadget reports:

In fact, according to some wiz kid at MIT with a $250,000 network analyzer, that tin cap of yours actually tends to amplify certain frequencies that are reserved by the FCC for government use only, meaning their mind control rays have the most effect on the very people who go to the furthest trouble to protect themselves from such trickery.”

This is truly Need-to-Know information! For years, I’ve labored under the misconception that Uncle Earl’s Reynolds Wrapped fedora was worn for the purpose of thwarting alien attacks. Had I not strayed from the group, I might’ve never known the foil’s true purpose is warding off liberal brainwashing attempts and protecting oneself from UN plots to disarm and dominate the world.

I will alert the kinfolks immediately. Since aluminum foil has been proven an ineffective defense, I am assuming that Cousin Eugene’s anti-brainwarshin’ igloo constructed from alien averting materials (empty Busch Beer cans) would be equally useless.

The new preventative for liberal brainwashing attacks will be regular exposure to Rush Limbaugh or Bill O’Reilly. Both treatments have mild side-effects, such as headaches, indigestion, moderate weight gain, and skin irritation. Other side-effects are rare but have occurred. These are formation of irrational biases and urge to wear ugly neckties. This treatment is not recommended for gun collectors or heavy drinkers. You should discuss with your local Republican Party which is right for you.

Now about those pesky aliens and their ongoing schemes to abduct humans – not to worry. Along my cyber-travels, I’ve located the perfect source of information: How To Defend Yourself Against Alien Abduction. This book was written by researcher, Ann Druffel.

Druffel is an expert in UFO’s, Alien Life Forms, Past Lives, Armageddon and Psychic Powers. She is assisted in her work by deceased co-author Armand Marcotte. I suppose he contributes from the otherworld by way of psychic revisions and memos penned in ectoplasm.

Read Full Post »

Southern Utterances

Said the Mother regarding her toddler’s attire: “Yesiree honey, we paid $32 plus shipping for that Dale Earndhart get-up… `cause its a valuable collectors item now. You know, what with him being passed-away and all.”

Said the father to his daughter when she dropped her hot dog at the baseball game: “Don’t cry, Honey. We’ll just run right over yonder and warsh the weinee. It’ll be fine.”

Said Bubba to his wife, when she interrupted our immigration conversation to inquire about the well being of my children: “Shut up Woman! We’re discussin’ serious issues here, like Mexicans and stuff!”

Said the teenage girl to the other teenage girl staring at the farm boy: “Ahhh, he don’t look like much, but that’s a tight tractor. What is that? A Kubota?”

Said one sister to the other sister at the family soirée: “What kind of ammo are you using in that thing?”

Read Full Post »

Southerner’s Exordium of Doom

In the South, the scariest preface for any conversation is: “You know, we’ve been talking…”

Any time you hear this phrase, you are on the verge of being volunteered, nominated, included, excluded, scolded, assigned, or notified of something so unpleasant it warranted a series of secret group discussions.  Usually the folks involved in the “we’ve” portion of that sentence have made the/your decision: they are now notifying you as a courtesy.

“You know, we’ve been talking and we think that you’d be the best person to head up the church bake sale.” Well gosh, if you’ve already talked about it….

“You know, we’ve been talking and we don’t think you should actually bake anything for the sale. Just because you’re….um, you know, busy.” You bring Brownies hard enough to cut diamonds one time, and you never hear the end of it.

“You know, we’ve been talking and we’ve decided you should have the ADHD-afflicted 1st grader with the penchant for picking his nose and making fart noises in your zoo-group because you can relate to him better than the other chaperones.” These discussions are why parents should never arrive five minutes late on field trip day.

“You know, we’ve been talking and while everyone is welcome to join the choir, we think it would be for the best if we turned the power off on your microphone.” So, does that mean no solo for me?

“You know, we’ve been talking about we’d like to invite you to our baptist church… and we don’t even think anyone will mind that you’re family is um… ethnic. ” Aw, shucks ya’ll. That is so sweet! To reciprocate, we’d like to invite you to our Annual Wicked Brown People Voodoo Hippy Festival. It’s during the next full moon: and it’s a huge deal because that’s when we ride in on our unicorns and hold the sacrificial ceremony, where we all wear purple-feathered buffalo-bone breast-plates and offer a honkie virgin to the HolaComoEstas, goddess of brownness. Would you like to RSVP now? But you’ll have to bring your own dead chicken, okay?

“You know, we’ve been talking and we don’t think you should publicly refer to the County Mayor Crockett Lee as Sir Fucktard anymore.” So, you’re not comfortable with the “Sir” part?

“You know, we’ve been talking and we just don’t think a t-shirt that says “Republicans make Good Leaders. Democrats make Good Lovers. Vote Republican and Screw Democrats” is really appropriate attire for a parent.” Well, can I at least keep the bumper sticker.

Read Full Post »