Forget the State Senate Election: Let’s Just Get Ready to Rumble

The wee hours of November 5th cannot get here soon enough. I’m not terribly excited by the prospect of an Obama win because he’s a little scary in terms of shutting down detractors – but you know what? There’s more citizens than there are Presidents.  Bloggers alone can outnumber him.  So, screw it.  Let’s get it over with – because I can’t take much more of this Tennessee campaigning.

I’m tired of hearing about faulty primaries, improper use of PAC money, telephone harassment, lawsuits, Republican rags and other furtive pain-in-the-ass Pecksniffian tactics. And this, which I cannot avoid because it’s my district.

There are guys over at the Spit-n-Sit, who’ve engaged in good-natured verbal battles since Jimmy Carter’s first campaign, that are no longer on speaking terms. Ralph Jr. is convinced Mike Faulk should go to jail for something – which has resulted in Ralph’s cousin, who despises Mike Williams, declaring that Ralph’s wife is homely and smells funny, therefore Ralph opposes Faulk “on accounta he’s just jealouser than a hound at a steakhouse window.“

And I know. I know. It’s just politics – and politics around here have always been sort of a rough and tumble sport. Shucks, downtown Rogersville is the home of at least one political rally of yesteryear where people died of gunshot wounds. So dueling TV ads from Faulk and Williams could be considered progress.  But can I confess something? On my really bitchy days, I’d prefer it if those two would just shoot at each other… or maybe finish out the campaign with a wrestling match… at high noon… on Main Street. I mean, I assume a debate is out of the question since they haven’t talked much about the issues – mostly just each other.   So, let’s get some real mud, sell tickets and hot dogs, have a cage match and make an event of it. Winner takes the senate seat and one of those huge shiny gold-electroplated Championship belts.

Hell, why not? An event like that would be well-attended, could boost the local economy and as long as neither candidate wears those skimpy Speedo “wrasslin’ panties” – it wouldn’t be any less dignified than what they’re doing now.

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Pigs, Lipstick, Pokes and Molehills

Over at TriCities.com, Gary Gray from the Herald Courier has a quaint story about Obama’s unscheduled stop at the Pop Ellis Soda Shoppe & Grill in Abingdon, VA.

Gray reports:

[Obama] then leaned back and yelled over his shoulder to staff members who had filtered off the bus and into the business: “You guys want something?”

The yelling wasn’t an intentional discourtesy but necessary so he could be heard over the cackle and buzz.

At first, I thought it was odd Gray felt it necessary to point out Obama wasn’t being impolite by using his outdoor voice inside. Then, I remembered… people do tend to work themselves into a tizzy over the silliest things. As a matter of fact, right this very moment, people are going nuts over the McCain ad, which features Obama using the “You can put lipstick on a pig” line.

Good grief people. The phrase has been around for quite some time. In fact, my grandmother used it frequently when talking about politicians, the local butcher and the TVA. It simply means you can dress something up and try to make it look good – but underneath it’s still the same as it always was… whether this be dishonest, dangerous, ugly, unfit, full of fat and gristle or somehow otherwise bad.

So, I think we’re making mountains out of molehills here. Then again, I suppose I’m no different because I got hung up on this portion of the Herald Courier story:

“That looks good – you going to eat all that?” [Obama] asked Lindsey Short, who was finishing up her meal. “How you doing – you want a picture? Nice to meet you.”

Short said she had “no clue” she was going to meet Obama on Tuesday.

“I came down here with a friend from Richlands to work on a project at King College,” she said. “We were in here, and all of a sudden security guys came over to us to search us. It’s really exciting.”

Humph! I assume the Secret Service had to search every single one of those Pop patrons, which would only be exciting or worthwhile if you had some desire to see Obama, which I don’t. Therefore, I’d have found the ordeal of being patted down to be in his presence intrusive and annoying. Then, “that looks good – you going to eat all that?” What was that? Was he planning to filch the fries or was he calling her fat by insinuating she shouldn’t eat all of the food? Good lord, you could get stabbed in the hand with a fork for comments like that around here.

Of course, I realize those people were probably thrilled to have an opportunity to meet Obama. I understand that. I do. As Smartypants says, Obama is historical and stuff. I’m just sayin’ – as a person, who’d prefer a pig in lipstick over a pig in a poke – I might’ve found the whole thing a little rude. That’s all.

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Primary Fighting in the 1st…

A rundown on the latest in the 1st District Congressional Extreme Fighting Challenge.

Earlier this month, our potato-headed incumbent congressman, David Davis wrote a letter, which basically stated, “I’m pro-life-ier than my opponent.” Roe reponded, “Are Not.” (Apparently, this one-up-on-the-same tactic is a 2008 campaign trend – as evidenced by Tinker/Cohen’s “Obama Loves Me Bigger Than You” battle. )

Anyway, a few days later, Phil Roe’s campaign released this ad:

which is different from Phil Roe’s initial ad: “I fished and farmed with my Daddy jus’ like you’ens prolly did” (The fishing ad, I think, is modeled after the 2006 David Davis Goes to Church ad, wherein Davis lip-syncs a hymn. The lip syncing incident is yet another Republican scandal Times-News reporter Hank Hayes failed to investigate and report to the public.)

Roe turns loose the gas-pumping granny. Everybody loves the Granny because she looks feisty – and viewers have this abiding hope that the ad will suddenly turn into one of those ol’ Smoky Mountain Rasslin’ Federation promos, wherein Granny will threaten to smack-down Davis with her pocketbook or hit him over the head with a folding chair.

In fact, most of us were rooting for it.

It doesn’t happen – so overall, the ad was a little disappointing.

Davis has now decided to release his own “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” ad – and tells Hank Hayes at the Kingsport Times-News about it. (He would have told those folks at the Herald Courier too, but everybody knows they’re jerks who won’t print Davis’ press releases as a news stories.)

The purpose of the ad, according to Davis, is to correct an “implication” that he [Davis] personally took PAC money when, technically, he never touched it. While he cannot deny the big oil money, which poured into his campaign coffers, he disputes the allegations that he “pocketed” the money… because the money never actually went into his personal pants pockets.

Sources who once stood close to members of his campaign even say, “Hell, his pants pockets ain’t even big enough to hold all that special interest money.”

I also noticed that in the ad Davis’ campaign used 2006 footage of the candidate chatting with area voters. Some suspect that after an exhaustive search, staffers couldn’t find a single voter in the district willing to appear in Davis’ 2008 ad – not even after being offered free SnoCones and some earmarks.

Nevertheless, Davis doesn’t seem worried. Apparently, an earlier poll, which he paid to have performed by people who don’t live here, shows him being in the lead. Roe, however, said polls commissioned by his campaign indicated that a surprising 70 percent of East Tennessee voters could not even name their congressman.

My poll yielded results similar to Roe’s. In fact, 72% of the voters surveyed in my poll thought their congressman’s name was “D. Money-Grubbin’ Slimy !@*#$%, which leads me to assume many have their congressman confused with their Lt. Governor.

Anyway, with the election coming up in a few days, Davis will spend his time marketing himself to area voters, whom he apparently assumes are dimwitted and can better understand a campaign pitch if its accompanied by a banjo (such as in this twangy jingle written by Davis campaign chair Sen. Rusty Crowe. And in keeping with Southern songwriting tradition, Crowe was hopped up on Busch beer when he penned the ditty. I mean, he must have been.)

Unfortunately, after hearing the tune, most district voters responded, “If he’d released a CD, we would have all voted for Democrats.”

On that note: Rob Russell has his three minutes on WJHL, during which he did not behave like a smacked ass at all.

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