In case you missed it, the abbreviated synopsis:
Obama: appealed to the middle class by using the word middle-class frequently, promising to make tax cuts and take decisive action – particularly against those people living high on the hog. He confused the words investor and taxpayer, perhaps to make us feel less screwed by the bailout plan. Although he recently took McCain to task for implying the fundamentals of the economy are strong, he expressed confidence in our ability to turn things around – not because the fundamentals are not strong. Obama’s confidence is derived from his magic hopeychangy pixie dust. Everyone can have magic hopeychangey pixie dust – except the rich people. Screw them. They have too much money anyway.
McCain invaded the personal space of audience members: one can only hope he didn’t have bad breath. Yuck. He proposed nationalizing home mortgages, which flipped me out as much this time as it did when Biden said it last Thursday. He might name one of the many qualified Americans as Secretary of the Treasury – maybe Meg Whitman of E-Bay… the middle class digs E-bay. Besides, the secretary needs to be somebody who Americans identify with immediately and say, we can trust that individual… so if not Meg Whitman, then maybe Tom Hanks or Bill Cosby?
McCain failed miserably at pretending to understand the middle class – although he did express the opinion that American Workers are innovative exporters and importers and, uh, some other word he can’t recall. Seriously, some of his best friends are American Workers and if they’re given a chance to work, everything will straighten out. He almost got one-up on Obama regarding the potential tax burdens his economic plan would place on small businesses. Obama countered by noting “only a few percent of small businesses” would be affected.
Tom Brokaw: Well, look, guys, the rules were established by the two campaigns, we worked very hard on this. So, when we have a discussion, it really is to be confined within about a minute or so.
Me to the Television: Wait. What is a few percent? Come Back…. this applies to those making $250,000 net profit annually? Right? That is net? Is that NET? Tom… go back to the that topic… Damn you Tom!
Why are We in This Mess and How do we get out of this mess?
McCain: We’re in this mess because Obama loves Frannie (sic) and Freddie, big spending and higher taxes… but, McCain, My Friends, would cut discretionary spending and lobbyists, buy bad mortgages and stuff because he’s a reformer. Look at his record. He has reached across the aisle to Democrats and once even pinched Joe Lieberman on the butt he likes him so much. That’s how bipartisan he is. Oh, and did he mention Obama loves earmarks and taxes!
Obama: Claims the problem we face now are the result of the failed policies of the last 8 years- thanks to McCain’s friend Bush, and McCain’s party, which is the Bush Party… you know, the party that has been in Washington with Bush all by themselves for the last eight years. The fix is we need to stop reacting to these problems and start anticipating them through use of our American psychic powers. Oh, and did he mention McCain loves Bush’s spending and his big deficit – unlike Clinton, who had a surplus. (Omitting unforeseen expenses during Bush administration – such as war, DHS funding, cities leveled by hurricanes, tornadoes and terrorist attacks, and some more war – all of which can get costly.)
McCain: Bush who?
Tom: I want to just remind you one more time about time. You may not have noticed, but we have lights around here. They have red and green and yellow and they are to signal… you are not obeying the debate control devices!
Tom: Health policies, energy policies, and entitlement reform, what are going to be your priorities in what order?
McCain says: What were those priorities again Tom? Nevermind, we can do it all, My Friend. We know how to do it, My Friends. I have the fixes. I’ve just been saving them all up for when I am President, My Friends.
Obama says we will have to prioritize and that $4 per gallon gas is an opportunity… So, we’ll fix energy the same way the government invented computers… (he meant how Al Gore created the internet.) He kinda sorta knows how to achieve energy independence but not exactly – it’s like when “JFK said we’re going to the Moon in 10 years, nobody was sure how to do it, but we understood that, if the American people make a decision to do something, it gets done.” It’s the hopeychangy pixie dust. Ya’ll wouldn’t understand.
Oh, and by the way, health care is a right and Obama will cure cancer.
Use of United States combat forces in situations where there’s a humanitarian crisis, but it does not affect national security:
Obama says “Well, we may not always have national security issues at stake, but we have moral issues at stake.” This was not the case in Iraq. See, people just misunderstood Saddam because of the mustache. He gassed them because his feeling were hurt. Plus, we were already busy in Afghanistan. So, McCain and Bush were wrong on Iraq. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. It was bad judgment. McCain was Bush’s cheerleader. He loves Bush’s bad judgment of the last 8 years.
McCain says: Our humanitarian efforts must be “tempered with our ability to beneficially affect the situation,” which means he doesn’t mind using the military as peacekeepers – as long as we’re fairly certain we can kick some ass and win. We will not leave in dishonorable defeat.
Tom: The time… I… If we could… whatever. I’m just the hired help here, so, I mean…
Other Foreign Policy Issues:
Pakistan, Iran, Russia
Obama says: Kill Osama. Crush Al Qaeda. Get tough with use of diplomacy, sanctions, international support and military force. I’ll say the same thing that John said on Russia, except better… And nobody said we were invading Pakistan. “What I said was if Pakistan is unable or unwilling to hunt down bin Laden and take him out, we should.” But we’re not invading it.
McCain says: Senator Obama is dangerous because he’d talk without preconditions and send a telegraph announcing his military plans. Teddy Roosevelt used to say walk softly — talk softly, but carry a big stick. Sen. Obama likes to talk loudly – whereas I’d secretly have my Veep sneak up on our enemies and shoot them in the back with her moose gun. Especially Putin. She can site him from her backyard.
Obama: This is the guy who sang, “Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran,” who called for the annihilation of North Korea. That I don’t think is an example of “speaking softly.”
Obama says: Michelle and I grew up poor. We are average Americans. I am an obedient husband, who was raised by the sensitive white women you see on my infomercials. I’m not scary at all.
McCain says: Well, my father was absentee-er than yours… and he was off serving his country. So, I was raised by women too – and I’m a veteran. You’re not. I am. Therefore, I’m asking the American people to give me another opportunity to serve. Please. Pretty please.
Tom: ” That concludes tonight’s debate from here in Nashville. It’s time to say good… you’re in my way of my script there, if you will move. I CANNOT SAY GOODBYE WITHOUT MY SCRIPT!”
McCain: So, Barry, do you think I could have a spot in your administration?
Obama: I don’t think so.
McCain: Well, can I go party with you at the Gore Mansion?
Obama: No John, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Conclusion: There’s a national conspiracy to make Obama the next President of the United States – and the Republicans are in on it.